This is the transcript of the text messages I’ve shared with George the Central Heating Engineer over the past few months.

If you get too bored, there’s a good joke waiting for you at the end.

A little bit of background: our boiler died in November and we found George, who came round like a shot (when he said he would) and installed a new boiler. He was so prompt, so pleasant and so efficient that we asked if he could suggest a plumber to a) fix the dripping shower in the bathroom, b) fix the shower / tap combination unit and c) install new outdoor taps at the front and back of the house. “I can do that for you myself,” he offered.

Fine, go ahead, we said.

Last November.

My texts are in italics.

24 Nov 2009, 22:07: I fully appreciate its late however the impression i got was time was of the essence you quote is in you inbox thanks george

12 Feb 2010, 12:33: Ever so sorry very busy will phone this afternoon to arrange a formal appointment. George

15 Feb 2010, 14:11: Hlo George, when can we expect to see you?

17 Feb 2010, 11:20: Hlo George, are you coming to Mount View Road this week?

17 Feb 2010, 12:03: Gwyn I’m overwhelmed with work at the moment a couple of install jobs have come in and as you can imagine what it is like with everyone wanting their boiler fitted yesterday. I feel bad as I should not of called you although I know you wanted me to come and finish and I honestly thought I’d be able to fit you in. I can come this weekend or we can arrange a time to suit you next week

17 Feb 2010, 12:22: OK George, we can’t do this weekend or next week so one day in the week beginning March 1st please. The Aqualisa showerhead is dripping constantly and needs prompt attention. Very annoying. The other stuff is not urgent.

2 Mar 2010, 09:11: Hlo George, can you come tomorrow, Thursday or Friday?

2 Mar 2010, 11:01: Friday is dedicated to you yours penciled in the diary providing you let me through the door

5 Mar 2010, 09:02: Good morning gwyn, im on my way to wormley to fix a leaking boiler then i will be down to you sir

5 Mar 2010, 09:02: Ok see you later.

5 Mar 2010, 15:21: Hoping to see you soon?

5 Mar 2010, 15:51: Great, George, what time can we expect you?

5 Mar 2010, 16:01: Gwyn please dont think any less of me ive told you im going to be there twice now, i have breakdowns coming in from good customers just like yourself i cannot leave them with no heat coming up to the weekend im stressed out and rushing trying to get to you which is never good i have a duty to rectify the old pump and certification, can i get in tomorrow or would you like to deal with a very good plumber friend of mine as vaillant know your property i would like to carry out all works myself but obviously you must be livid with the situation and the way i am dealing with it

5 Mar 2010, 16:09: You can come tomorrow. Tell us what time, so we can wait in for you. Someone rang me yesterday asking me for a reference for you.

5 Mar 2010, 16:22: Is half past nine too early

5 Mar 2010, 16:38: No, that’s fine. See you then.

(George arrives on Saturday 6 Mar and installs taps at the front and rear of the house and an on off tap in the basement. He does not fix the shower or the shower / tap combo unit. He tells us to wrap the unit in vinegar to soften the calcium build-up.)

7 Mar 2010, 10:53: Hlo George, what’s the trick to get the boiler going again? Both hot water & heating are on till 11.00pm but the boiler hasn’t fired up. Indicates S.30. Von’s elderly parents are coming over today and we need the place warm for them.

11 Mar 2010, 08:42: Hlo George, bathroom stinks of vinegar. Pls advise.

11 Mar 2010, 11:07: Hlo George, the on off tap you installed in the cellar is leaking over the tumble dryer and washing machine.

11 Mar 2010, 18:08: The basement pipe (not tap, it’s leaking at the junction) is getting worse. I sent you a pic to show the bowl collecting the water.

12 Mar 2010, 00:21: Hlo George, it took 6 hours for the bowl under the dripping pipe to overflow. Please come and fix it today (Friday) if you can.

14 Mar 2010, 16:16: Are you coming today?

14 Mar 2010, 18:13: PLEASE contact us, George. You said you’d be here around noon. It’s now 18:15.

15 Mar 2010, 09:54: Will be in today to rectify leak cannot get hold of a 28mm three port anywhere dont know what to say to you

17 Mar 2010, 17:39: George, what time can we expect you to fix the dripping shower today?

25 Mar 2010, 21:38: George, please can you come next week and fix our dripping shower? Or this weekend?

29 Mar 2010, 12:17: Gwyn I am curled up in bed with stomach cramps and have had to cancel all work, valve is in branch and will be picked up and fitted tomorrow morning

(George arrives and plaintively admits he’s a central heating engineer, not a plumber. However he can recommend a mate …)

9 Apr 2010, 09:59: Hlo George, we’re still waiting for your plumber pal. Any news?

The dripping shower in the bathroom continues to drip at an ever more furious rate, the shower / tap combination isn’t fixed. We are still waiting to hear from George’s plumbing mate.

Which brings me to The Joke, which was really the excuse for publishing this correspondence:

New Kama Sutra Positions No. 24 — The Plumber. You stay in for ages and nobody comes.

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