On the HSBC Branch Finder website this morning:

Here’s the blank canvas:

… and here’s what it looks like today, after I didn’t shave this morning:

So this is the first day’s growth. Pretty invisible, really. Some might say Imperceptible. Taken with the front facing lens on the iPhone 4S. The image quality is noticeably worse. When I get my wife back, I’ll be able to get her to take the photos.

If you don’t know what this is all about, The World’s Most Hairless Man (that’s me, Gwyn Headley) is  attempting to grow a moustache during November in aid of prostate and testicular cancer charity Movember. If you would care to donate, it’s easy — just go to http://mobro.co/gwynheadley and click on DONATE TO ME under my bald lip. I will be very grateful.

Not a typo.

It’s an Australian charity which encourages men to grow a moustache during November, to raise money for prostate and testicular cancer charities.

I have never grown any kind of facial hair in my life — I’m not even sure I can — but I’m going to give it a go. It’s a worthwhile cause, and how hard can it be to grow a moustache in 30 days?

We will see. Here is the starting point:

and in 30 days or thereabouts a full fungal facial feature may appear.

I will stop shaving my upper lip on Thursday November 1st.

There will be updates posted regularly here and on http://mobro.co/gwynheadley, where you will find a seamless interface for donating money and claiming Gift Aid.

Please help!

The subject may not be something you’d normally turn the TV on for, but if you happen to be passing a TV set tomorrow evening (Thursday 16th August) and you have nothing better to do, you could tune in to Channel 4 for the programme The Restoration Man at 8 o’clock.

It’s a programme about the Bath Folly in Ormskirk, Lancashire (despite what the programme guides are promising, according to the producers), which has been heavily restored. One very sunny day last May the TV company made me walk up a hill in Brightling, Sussex, eight times spouting off about follies. The end result has been trimmed to 15 seconds so blink and you’ve missed me. I thought Andy Warhol promised me 15 minutes of fame, not 15 seconds?

Anyway, I have been assured that Heritage Ebooks will be getting an on-screen credit, so I shall stay hooked till the end.

One summer forty years ago when I was young, slim and rich I took a holiday to eat at all the Michelin 3 star restaurants in the south of France. Driving back to London in my new Rover 3500S I stopped in Lyons for lunch. It was the 9th September 1972. I went into a tobacconist (in those days I smoked imported Pall Mall King Size unfiltered) to buy my fags and noticed a display of really smart cigarette lighters, or briquets as le patron amusingly referred to them.

“Those are agreeable,” I drawled languidly.

“Oui, m’sieur, zay are from ze maison Cartier! Vairy nice, wiz a Lifetime Guarantee.”

“Oh well, they must be worth whatever you’re asking for them then. I’ll have a couple.”

Actually I only bought one. It cost £60, which equates to about £600 today, and very posh it was too.

I used it daily until I gave up smoking in 1986, after which time it languished in a drawer, along wiz its Lifetime Guarantee.

Then a dozen or so years later I went on holiday to Cuba, where smoking is compulsory. Being by now very much poorer I soon realised I couldn’t afford couple of Cohibas a day so gradually I descended to dragging on nasty little cigars, to wit Café Crème Blues.

The other day I was rootling through a drawer when I came upon my old Cartier lighter, still in its original packaging. To my surprise it didn’t light first time. So on May 16th this year I took it back to Cartier in Old Bond Street.

“Certainly sir, that’ll be £25.”

“But … but …” Maybe I’d misread the Lifetime Guarantee. Oh well, plenty of time to argue once they’d fixed it.

They rang the following week. “We have to send your lighter to Switzerland. Will that be all right, sir?” I had no problem with that.

I was walking past Old Bond Street in early July when it occurred to me I hadn’t heard from my friends at Cartier. So I detoured into the shop. The man was most apologetic. “We should have sent you a letter,” he explained, “and as we hadn’t heard from you we were awaiting your instructions. I’m afraid it will be £95.”

Sharp intake of breath from elderly, overweight, impoverished fotoLibrarian. But the comforting thought of the Lifetime Guarantee was still nestling at the back of my mind.

On July 20th I had a letter from Cartier informing me they were waiting for my instructions to commence work on my “timepiece”, and attaching an estimate for £345.00.
My jaw hit the desk. The estimate consisted of:
• Diagnosis
• Disassembly of lighter
• Cleaning of mechanism
• Cleaning the inner and outer body and cap
• Lubricating the sliding elements
• Replacement of the mechanism or gas tank
• Change the flint
• Re-assembly of lighter
• Filling the gas tank
• Function test
Right! Time to hunt down the Lifetime Guarantee, I thought.

And I found it. In French, it reads
Tous les acheteurs du Briquet CARTIER-PARIS bénéficient de la Garantie Illimitée.
and by my schoolboy French that means
All purchasers of the CARTIER-PARIS lighter benefit from the Lifetime Guarantee.

Triumphantly I telephoned Cartier. “Ah, but Sir, in this case the Guarantee does not apply. It only applies to defective elements, not to repairs.”

“But that’s crazy!” I expostulated. “If it says Lifetime Guarantee, and it doesn’t work, you should fix it!”

“Regrettably, Sir, you are now a fat old fool, not the gilded youth what purchased this lighter from us, so we have annulled your guarantee.”

Well they didn’t say this in so many words, but it was very much the interpretation I put on the honeyed syllables dripping through the earpiece.

I tried being reasonable. “Look, could you look into this for me? After all, I bought the thing with a Lifetime Guarantee and I simply assumed that meant what it said.”

They called me back later. “We have checked, Sir, and that is the price. Would you like us to go ahead?”

“Yes, go ahead and send it back to me unrepaired,” I answered glumly. There is no way I could or would ever spend £345 to repair a cigar lighter.

I can’t force them to live up to their guarantee. But I would have thought there was a certain pride in the House of Cartier, and they would honour their written obligations. I should have bought a Zippo.

Perhaps Cartier ought to adapt the slogan used by my friend Michael Cader for his influential publishing newsletter, Publishers’ Lunch: Published Daily. Except When Not.

Cartier’s version need hardly change: Guaranteed For Life. Except When Not.

Today my latest book, Follies Fabulous Fanciful and Frivolous Buildings, (not my title) is being published by the National Trust / Anova. Hurrah! It’s been a long time coming.

I’d been keen on follies since I was five, and Barbara Jones’s Follies and Grottoes was my constant childhood companion.

Let’s go back to the 1970s. I was a young blade with a decent expense account, working for a prestigious publisher. I soon realised that authors, far from being the godlike inhabitants of the Elysian heights of my imagination, were usually small, craven, fawning creatures desperately anxious to please any publisher who might deign to notice their work.

I rang up Barbara Jones and took her to lunch in Hampstead. “I’m not offering you a book deal,” I announced. “I’m writing a book on follies myself, and it’s going to be much bigger than yours, and in full colour, too.”

Between a sharp, confident young executive and a frail, worried, little old lady there was no contest. She slumped back with a sigh. “Well done you. May I see what you’ve done?” she quavered. I graciously lent her my dummy and the notes on the scores of follies I’d discovered which were not in her book.

Eighteen months later Barbara Jones’s new, greatly enlarged and radically redesigned Follies and Grottoes was published to wild acclaim, and closed the market to any other folly book for a decade. It bore a striking resemblance to the page layout of the dummy I had lent her, even down to the choice of typeface.

Never mess with a little old lady.

I persevered after this little set-back. In 1978 an art history student was sitting in a dentist’s waiting room in Utrecht, Netherlands and leafing through a back issue of Country Life, as one does. He came across a letter from Gwyn Headley, dated 1972, who was writing a book on follies. As Wim Meulenkamp, the said student, was doing a PhD dissertation on British follies he thought he’d like to see this book, which surely had been published by now as six years had meandered past.

He got in touch. I saw the chance to inject some intellectual rigour into my planned Hello Clouds Hello Sky approach, and signed him up as co-author for my as yet unstarted folly book.

At the time Jonathan Cape was Britain’s leading publisher and the National Trust was the leading heritage organisation. Therefore it was blindingly obvious to me that Jonathan Cape should publish Follies: A National Trust Guide by Gwyn Headley and Wim Meulenkamp, so I informed both organisations of this, and they meekly agreed.

At the launch party in Queen Anne’s Gate the new Publishing Manager of the National Trust was weaving down the staircase as I ascended. As we crossed, she hissed “If I’d been in charge when all this started I’d have made sure this was NEVER published!” The book was a huge success, selling out in 11 months.

Fast forward 20 years. Both Wim and I had jointly and severally written more folly books. The National Trust’s Publishing Manager got in touch with me. “Would you like to write a book on follies for us?”

It turns out that the hiss on the staircase meant she wanted the original book only to cover those follies in the custodianship of the National Trust. We had included everything we could find. That was not in her plan for National Trust books.

The new book should only include National Trust follies. That seemed reasonable to me. So I wrote the book, delivered the manuscript, and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

The Publishing Manager retired. New unhappy lords succeeded. The book? Well, they didn’t like to talk about that. Great, I thought, another orphan book. All my books have been orphan books, in that the commissioning editor always left before the book was published so there was never anybody left inside the publishing house to fight its corner, a critical necessity for the success of any book. Let alone orphan — this one was not likely to be born at all.

Then, last year, heavy-set representatives of the National Trust and Anova, mirror sunglasses flashing, caught me on the fotoLibra stand at the Frankfurt Book Fair.

“Does yuh remember dat manuscript yuh sent eight years ago?”

“Yes,” I answered cautiously.

“We’s gonna publish it!”

So here it is, at last. I’m not holding my breath for the oceans of publicity that washed over the original Follies: A National Trust Guide book as the publisher won’t return my calls, but it’s a sweet little hardback book, prettily designed, and very cheap at £8.99, a great gift for lovers of Britain, architecture and eccentricity. Alas all the photographs bar four were supplied by the National Trust Picture Library, but then they are the publishers, after all.

Forty years after my boast to Barbara Jones that my book on follies would be in full colour, here it is at last.

It is what is known in the trade as a Slim Volume. But it should make a pleasant little present. It’s a tiny hardback, with lots of pretty pictures so you don’t have to read too much of my text. Available of all good booksellers, is what they say. ISBN 978-1-907892-30-1

One note of naked self-interest — if you are kind enough to buy it, please try and choose a retailer other than Amazon, where deep discounts mean someone has to be cut out of the equation if the publishers and booksellers are to make any money. And yes, you’ve guessed it — that’ll be the author. But I can supply signed copies for £8.99 plus £2.20 postage in the UK if you email me, or let me know in a comment to this post.

Nick Jenkins, fotoLibra’s most prolific individual photographer, commented that he’d like to see the top selling categories on fotoLibra.

It’s a good idea, but I thought I’d have to gather the info manually and it would take me months.

Not a bit of it. Damien, our Technical Development Manager, dashed off an SQL script that delivered the data in 0.0091 seconds. Then of course I had to spend 24 hours printing out each word in different colours and sizes and carefully glueing them into place.

Here’s the result. Of course I know this means everyone is immediately going to go on holiday and photograph historic churches in the landscape, but that just shows that this is done for fun and there’s no real significance to it.

The reason PEOPLE don’t loom much larger is that we are constantly asked for photographs of people, and we can’t provide them, as many fotoLibra members show a marked reluctance to photograph other humans. As a result we don’t sell them. And we could.

So please try and overcome your understandable inhibitions and let’s see photographs of people chatting, eating, drinking, talking, laughing — doing people things. All ages, all races.

An interesting little exchange here. The point at which alarm bells would have really started to clang for me is when Richard Conolly (who probably looks more like Ezequiel Bichi — have a look at his passport and ask yourself “Is that an Irish American?”) asked the poor travel company to take €11,000 from his credit card then transfer €7,000 to some Turkish bank. Mind you, I’d have been suspicious from the first semi-literate “I will be making the payment with my credit card only. hope this is okay for you.” and anyone who signs off as Mr. Richard Conolly is beyond the pale.

In case there’s any doubt, the intended victim here was Vitalina Le Feuvre at RS Events. Lucky for her, she seems to have escaped.

De : GLOBAL Star Travel [mailto:infoglobalstar@yahoo.co.uk]
Envoyé : vendredi 6 juillet 2012 13:45
À : Vitalina RS Events
Objet : BOOKING @ VILLA LUTECE PORT ROYAL ****

Hello,

Thank you for all the details. Make the booking from VILLA LUTECE PORT ROYAL ****

I will like to book 2 double rooms and 2 single rooms for the period of our stay. Please I will need confirmation with the total cost form 10th – 20th August 2012 including breakfast and taxes so that reservation can be made immediately.

Let me know the total cost.

I will be making the payment with my credit card only. hope this is okay for you.

Thank you very much

Kind Regards,

Mr. Richard Conolly

GLOBAL Star Travel
Empire Way, Wembley,
London, HA9 0DH
Phone: +447024046938
+447024052952

— On Fri, 6/7/12, Vitalina RS Events <vitalina@rs-events.travel> wrote:
From: Vitalina RS Events <vitalina@rs-events.travel>
Subject: RE: BOOKING @ VILLA LUTECE PORT ROYAL ****
To: “‘GLOBAL Star Travel'” <infoglobalstar@yahoo.co.uk>
Date: Friday, 6 July, 2012, 17:06

Dear M. Conolly,

I have the great pleasure to confirm your reservation at the hotel VILLA LUTECE PORT ROYAL.

You will find enclosed your proforma-invoice.

With my very best regards

De : GLOBAL Star Travel [mailto:infoglobalstar@yahoo.co.uk]
Envoyé : samedi 7 juillet 2012 12:46
À : Vitalina RS Events
Objet : Payment For The Reservation

Good Morning

Thanks for your kind response regarding our reservation at your place. We have concluded today and considered your cost and decided that the guest will stay at your place, I will make the full payment of 4,555.32 euros as you because we wants to make sure that every thing will be in place before the arrival date and also to avoid any form of disappointment.

The guest Names/Identification will reach you before the arrival date. Moreover, we also made an arrangement with a logistic Consultant firm who will take care of the guest flight arrangements from here down to your country and other transportation / Logistic requirements the guest will need during their stay at your place.

We will pay the logistic firm for this service they are going to render to the guest. In order not to share my Credit Card information with a third party, I want only you to handle my Credit Card information as we will be staying in your place. Meaning all the charges will be made through your POS Charging Machine including that of the Transport/logistic firm payment.

So once you receive my credit card details, you are required to charge the total amount of 11,555.32 euros from my credit card, then take the cost of your full payment of 4,555.32 euros for the reservation and transfer the balance of 7000 euros to the Transport/logistic firm for them to start their logistic traveling arrangement for the guest as soon as possible to avoid any delay which may lead to cancellation of this reservation in the future.

Please confirm this if it is okay by you, and then provide me with below details for our office records.

(1) Your Full Name
(2) Your Full Address
(3) Phone Numbers
(4) Credit Card Types Which You Accept For Payment.
(5) How long will it take for money to clear in your account after processing.

Please remember that the integrity of our Company is involved, I also hope the stay of the guests will be made comfortable? I will be sending you the Credit Card information for reservation to be made as soon you confirm this ok by you.

Please be advised that we are ready to pay for all expenses and fees you will incurred as a result of the entire amount to be charged.

Thank you for your help.

Mr. Richard Conolly

GLOBAL Star Travel
Empire Way, Wembley,
London, HA9 0DH
Phone: +447024046938
+447024052952

On Sat, 7/7/12, Vitalina RS Events <vitalina@rs-events.travel> wrote:
From: Vitalina RS Events <vitalina@rs-events.travel>
Subject: RE: Payment For The Reservation
To: “‘GLOBAL Star Travel'” <infoglobalstar@yahoo.co.uk>
Date: Saturday, 7 July, 2012, 13:02

Dear M. Conolly,

To pay your Transport Logistic Consultant Firm, I need their information as follow:

– Full Name
– Full Address
– Phone Numbers
– Bank details for bank transfer

– VAT code

– Their invoice

Awaiting for your reply,

Good Morning Vitalina
Fine the details below as you requested from us. Kindly give us the requested details we have asked from you in our last mail for our office record.

Then let me know if you are in your office right now and ready to process the payment so that I can send you the credit card details for you to process on time.

Name… Heritage Logistic Company
– Full Address 34 High East Street, Dorchester, Dorset DT1 1HA
– Phone Numbers .. +447 024 017 914
– VAT code; GB469 6171 09

– Bank details for bank transfer:

UNITED KINGDOM BANK ACCOUNT DETAILS:

BANK NAME: SECURE TRUST BANK
ACCOUNT NAME: EZEQUIEL BICHI
ACCOUNT NUMBER: 01283812
IBAN: GB21BARC20078233479536
SORT CODE: 235451

===========================

TURKISH BANK ACCOUNT DETAILS:

ERTRAND MENDOUGA
BANK NAME: TEB BANK OF TURKEY
ACCOUNT NUMBER: 2387560
SWIFT CODE: TEBUTRIS
IBAN: TR440003200000000002387560

Their invoice, They will issue you with an invoice the moment they receive their payment. This is their company rules.

Thank you for your help so far.

Mr. Richard Conolly

GLOBAL Star Travel
Empire Way, Wembley,
London, HA9 0DH
Phone: +447024046938
+447024052952

>

De : GLOBAL Star Travel [mailto:infoglobalstar@yahoo.co.uk]
Envoyé : mardi 10 juillet 2012 18:07
À : Vitalina RS Events
Objet : Requested Copies / Card Details…

Good Afternoon Vitalina

Fine in attached the requested copies,

Charge this card in a bit of 2,000 euros per charge. Meaning you will charge 2,000 euros x 5 and another 2,370.82 euros to get the total amount of 12,370.82 euros needed.

CARD TYPE: VISA
CARD NUMBER: 4800 1203 1494 3093
EXPIRE DATE: 12 / 2013
CVV: 096
Name: RICHARD CONOLLY

I will wait for charging slip once you are done with the charging.

Please get back to me as soon as you can.

Regards,

Kind Regards,

Mr. Richard Conolly

GLOBAL Star Travel
Empire Way, Wembley,
London, HA9 0DH
Phone: +447024046938
+447024052952

From: vitalina@rs-events.travel

Subject: TR: Requested Copies / Card Details…

Date: 11 July 2012 09:53:56 GMT+01:00

To: infoglobalstar@yahoo.co.uk

Cc: vexposito@parisinfo.com, info@internet-signalement.gouv.fr, ddpp@paris.gouv.fr, marie.w@azurbluetravel.fr, sophiev@msfonline.net, seacrest@jerseymail.co.uk, contact@ppsolutions.ca, mats@saltatours.co.ukand 3 more…

I have just received a call from my bank: as per their contact with French Tourism Government, THE PASSPORT AND THE CREDIT CARD ARE FALSE PAPERS, SO I STOP IMMEDIATELY ALL THE REQUESTS REGARDING YOUR BOOKING.

Hooray!!

I’ve just been to the Royal Academy to see a small exhibition in an annexe to the Summer Exhibition. And if you like the Impressionists, just drop everything and go. You will see paintings by masters such as Manet, Monet, Pissaro, Corot, Morisot, Degas, Boldini and Sisley that you have never seen before (unless you live in Massachusetts), as well as over 20 Renoirs.

It is amazing. What a treasure trove.

Spring In Giverny, by Claude Monet, 1890

This astonishing collection was built through the First World War, the Great Depression and the Second World War right up till 1956 when Sterling Clark, the collector, died. Shortly after America’s 1929 crash he spent over $5,000,000 on paintings. Together with the gorgeous paintings at the gallery the invoices for many purchases are displayed, a fascinating human touch. Clark’s preferred advisor was the Knoedler Gallery, which helped him for forty years. The art dealership closed in disgrace last year after being accused of selling forged Rothkos and Pollocks, but still retains the vestiges of its 155 years of power — there is no Wikipedia entry for it, a sign of immense influence, more than Lehman Brothers could manage.

St. Charles, Eragny, by Pissaro, 1881

This morning a Constable was sold for £22 million. Who can imagine what the paintings in this exhibition would be worth? Who could possibly have that sort of money? Who was this Sterling Clark?

Onions, by Renoir, 1881

He was one of four sons of Alfred Corning Clark. None the wiser? Alfred’s father was Edward Clark. Still a no? OK, Clark grand-père was the business partner of sewing machine magnate Isaac Singer, and had some claim to have invented hire-purchase. So all these fabulous paintings were purchased with one grandson’s quarter-share inheritance from the junior partner of a sewing machine manufacturer. How much could that company have been worth?

At The Concert, by Renoir, 1881

One thing I’m pretty certain about — you could sell just a couple of the pictures exhibited here and buy back the entire Singer Sewing Machine Company. Look at the recent fotoLibra Pro Blog about Consumables, Heirlooms and Landfill. Here, you can meet the heirlooms.

Peaceful Days, by Boldini, 1880. I was captivated by this small painting. The iPhone repro does not begin to do it justice. Look at that fabulous grey silk dress — it has to be silk — the languid foot, the forgotten cello, the tousled rug, the tassels on the cushion. I could stare and marvel for hours at such fluent technique, such humour

Oh — so why did I title this Never Say Die? Because during his lifetime our Mr Clark was better known as a racehorse owner than an art collector. His horse Never Say Die won the 1954 Derby, the first win by the 18 year old jockey Lester Piggott.

Clark certainly had an eye for a winner.

From Paris: A Taste for Impressionism — Paintings from the Clark is an exhibition in the Sackler Galleries at the Royal Academy of Arts, Piccadilly, London from July 7th to September 23rd. If you enjoy impressionist art, you have to go. And if you’re not in London in 2012 — and where else would you choose to be? — this exhibition is travelling to Montréal in October, Tokyo next March, Kobe in June and Shanghai in September. Do not miss it.

Every day I pick up the papers or browse the BBC website or watch the news and I see we’re cutting millions here, spending billions there, and Greece is half a trillion in debt and frankly they all merge into a great big blur. The figures are so huge they mean nothing to me, and I guess it’s the same for the Greeks.

So I thought I’d put some of these stonking great numbers into a context I could understand.

Sit down in front of me and give me a pound coin every second. Do this for me sixty times a minute, every hour, every day, day and night, continually. After 11 days, 13 hours, 46 minutes and 40 seconds, you will have given me one million pounds.

Don’t stop there. I like this. Please carry on at the same rate. One a second. Months go by. Years go by. Still the money comes, one per second. A generation passes. 31 years and 7 months later I would be a billion pounds better off.

And a trillion? A trillion would take 31 thousand, 546 YEARS. 31,000 years ago Neanderthal Man still had another 6,000 years to go before we wiped him out. They were thought to be cleverer than us, bigger brains, you know. They probably were. They certainly didn’t get involved in this mess.

Greece’s national debt is said to be half a trillion euros. At one euro a second, that’s going to take them 15,773 years to pay it off. The US national debt is 15.7 trillion dollars.

We appear to be living on borrowed time as well as money. Don’t hold your breath for a resolution any time soon..