Hot flushes are unfair to women. Most women suffer from hot flushes during menopause, and they suffer silently and stoically. Hormone replacement therapy can be effective in reducing them, but there are concerns over the side effects. Scientists can’t explain them; they seems to have no function other than reminding the sufferer that her days of fertility are over. The problem is there aren’t that many old women scientists. Most scientists are young women or men, groups who are generally untroubled by hot flushes. There’s no interest in looking into the complaint. So middle-aged women get hot flushes — so what? It’s not fatal, painful or contagious. It will pass in time. It gets ignored.

Well, I’m a middle-aged man, and I am getting hot flushes, and I’m not happy. For those who haven’t experienced them, hot flushes start with a gentle rise in temperature, as if some has turned up the central heating. By the time one becomes aware the temperature has risen, the sweats have broken out; in my case firstly the forehead, then the back of the neck, then the torso. The legs are relatively unaffected. Beads of sweat roll down my nose before plopping onto my Mac trackpad, which doesn’t approve of moisture. I am surrounded by tissues — on the keyboard, mopping my brow and the back of my neck, by my side. The heavy sweating stops after about five or six minutes — my shirt is wringing wet and my hair is plastered to my head — then the temperature rebalances itself. In my case, it rebalances by plunging way below normal and I find myself shivering with cold. The whole episode lasts perhaps ten minutes. It then comes back in about half an hour and the whole procedure is repeated. It’s no fun, although I don’t get the rapid heartbeat endured by many sufferers. I kept a note of one day about a fortnight ago, and I enjoyed 35 hot flushes throughout the day. At night I sleep on one pillow, then flip it over about a quarter way through the night, then at half time swap my sodden bolster for a cool fresh one, flip that one over later and soon it’s time to get up.

Now I understand why ladies of a certain age are so adept with fans. Self-absorbed men place a coquettish interpretation on the language of the fan, which merely means “Piss off and leave me alone, can’t you see I’m sweating like a bloody pig?” A hand fan certainly helps; Von has unearthed two, which I employ every hour. It’s strange that moving air is cooler than static air. As far as I’m aware, women tend not to talk about their hot flushes; perhaps quietly among themselves, but I’m not privy to that.

If you remember the old Tuborg beer ads, you know, the portly gentleman mopping his brow leaning against a stile — Den durstige Mann — that’s just how it feels.

Because this happens to a group of people who tend to be more reticent than most, little is heard about it. A few strident women may have spoken out, but then nobody listens to a strident woman. I’ve checked the subject out on Wikipedia but all it tells me is that science doesn’t know the cause: “The exact cause and pathogenesis has not yet been fully studied.”

There’s no help in religion either — there are no mentions of hot flushes in the Bible, the Talmud or the Koran, presumably because they were written by men. Well I’m a man, and I’m getting hot flushes, and I want something done about it. I know that for me it will all be over by the autumn, because my hot flushes are medically induced. I have had two Zolodex implants preparatory to a course of radiotherapy this summer, and one of the side effects I was pre-warned about was hot flushes. I cannot think of any drug-induced side effect that has had such an dramatic effect on my life. I know it’s only temporary, but I can think of little else.

Thirty or more a day, on average. Fewer at night; say four waking me up between midnight and 08:00. The rest seem to come every half hour to forty minutes.

The nicest thing anyone ever said to me was “You’re cooler than the other side of my pillow!” which set me on the hunt for a cooling pillow. There was a British company called Chillow that sold cool pillows, but on their website this now appears:

Soothsoft Ltd and The Personal Cooling Centre has closed down.
Thank you to all our customers for your support over the years.
If you are looking for a Chillow we are sorry to Inform you that the manufacturer has stopped making this product due to the many fakes now on the Internet from China.
Please be aware that Chillow copies are of poor quality and do not work effectively.

So I just mop my brow and carry on. It will be over in a few months for me. Women have to put up with it for fifteen or more years.

Not fair.

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