I’m not a coffee snob, I’ll drink almost anything, like Stieg Larsson, but there’s no doubt that real coffee made with a decent machine is immeasurably superior to instant coffee.

But in a way, I quite like a mug of instant coffee from time to time, as long as everyone (including me) recognises the fact that it is a completely separate drink. There are times when only proper coffee will do. There are times when the real coffee ritual is too protracted and all I want or need is a coffee-related beverage, however distant.

Von won’t touch it. All instant coffee is dismissed as a “nasty cup of coffee”. I go to boil the kettle after lunch, and she asks “Having a nasty cup of coffee then?”

Basic instant coffee is too revolting even for me. Kenco Gold is bearable, but you have to use two spoonfuls. You have to use two spoonfuls (spoonsful??) for any instant coffee anyway. But the other day I saw an exciting range of jars in the supermarket so I thought I’d give them a go — Nescafé Alta Rica, Cap Colombie and Espresso. I was looking forward to trying them out. Could these be the first instants to resemble proper coffee?

Then I saw this ad in the paper yesterday:

It looks like I’ll have to wait a while before carrying out the taste comparison test. It also looks like I wasn’t the only punter to be seduced by the cool, sophisticated packaging. I’ve been trying the helpline since 08:30 and it’s permanently engaged. I don’t want to die an agonising death with ground glass lacerating my intestines; I can get that on Holby City.

So it’s back to real coffee, made with my trusty Pavoni. I bought it in Lucca, Tuscany in 1983 and I have used it every day since. Admittedly every part except the boiler has had to be replaced, as it was made at the peak of Italian metallurgical brilliance (put your ear close enough and you can listen to it rusting away by itself) but it does make a mean cup of coffee.

All I want is a proper cup of coffee
Made in a proper copper coffee pot
I don’t want a lot
But I want a cup of coffee from a proper coffee pot
Tin coffee pots
Iron coffee pots
They’re no good to me
If I can’t have a proper cup of coffee from a proper copper coffee pot I’ll have a cuppa tea.

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