Every year I buy a new electric kettle for £4.99 from Tescos or somewhere, and then I have to throw it away. So I decided that I’d spend five times as much and get a kettle that would last at least five years. On May 16 2010 I bought a Breville polished stainless steel jug kettle VKJ348 from an online retailer called VERY.co.uk.

And yesterday, ten months later, it ceased to function. It became an Ex Kettle.

Well, I know the fuse is fine because the little blue light comes on when I switch the power on. But no boiling occurs. I guess the element’s gone.

No problem, I thought. It’s less than a year old, it will still be under guarantee.

Being a bit of a nerd, I’d kept the advice note with all the details on it. I rang the company I’d bought the kettle from.

I had all the data they needed.

First I had to navigate a tortuous voicemail system. A recorded voice interrogated me for five minutes. I had to respond to its questions. It failed to understand my thick, rich brogue several times. I felt like Richard Wilson travelling from the Kyle of Lochalsh.

Finally I had the option to converse with a human operative. I seized the chance. “How may I help yew todaaay?”

Greedily I told her my kettle had bust, I wanted it replaced, it was still under guarantee, my Customer No. was 123456, the Order Date was 16/05/10, the catalogue number was PJ2871H, the Advice Note Number was 00987654321D, and so on and so on.

“Thank you sir. Can I have your date of birth please?”

She wanted my date of birth. To redeem a guarantee on a bust kettle.

“No.”

“I’m sorry sir, I can’t access your account without your date of birth.”

“I don’t want to give you my date of birth. I fail to see what earthly relevance it has to a guarantee on the kettle I bought from you.”

“It’s a security issue sir. I can’t take your enquiry any further without your date of birth.”

“It’s not an enquiry. I simply want you to replace my kettle under guarantee.”

“I can’t help you sir, not without your date of birth.”

“I’m not going to give you my date of birth. How do I get my kettle replaced under guarantee?”

“You’ll have to write in, sir.”

“To whom do I write?”

She replied — without laughing, all credit to her — “To the Customer Excellence Team.”

Well, it made me laugh, in spite of my irritation. I’ll post them the ex-kettle and see how excellent they are.

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