Yet another update. Before Von named him Milo, this little hound from hell was codenamed GR3, as he is our 3rd golden retriever. GR1 was Lucca, who died of a heart attack aged 4. GR2 was Padi, who died aged nearly 16 last November. They are both loved and lamented.

Now we have Milo, GR3, a bundle of fluff and needle-sharp teeth.

And I’m pleased that this week has seen the arrival of GR3.1, the updated version that doesn’t pee and crap on the drawing room carpet.

Among the many improvements featured in version 3.1 are:

• Stays dry overnight
• Sleeps through the night
• Looks guilty before attempting to steal the cats’ food
• Comes immediately when ‘Bwyd’ (Welsh for Food) is called
• Loves everyone
• Loves marrowbones more
• Has figured out how to use catflap

Here is a list of bugs to be sorted out, with current workarounds:

• Vapourware emitter (do not squeeze too tightly)
• Hiccups (restrict upload speed)
• Chews everything (remove shoelaces)
• System will occasionally crash and revert to version 3.0, detectable by puddles in the hall (transfer to exterior environment immediately following each upload)
• Shrill high-pitched incessant over-excited yapping will be replaced by steady, dignified, sonorous, deep bark in v.3.2. (system needs bedding in)
• Does not always respond to his name unless food is involved (involve food)
• Catflap facility will not be available in v.3.2 due to increased size of application (bloatware is inevitable)

He’s a good-natured little soul. The way he chews my ear when I carry him down to the garden in the morning catches my heart. It may not be to everyone’s taste, but he is so sweet it turns my knees to honey.

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