This is an empirical observation, accumulated gradually over a period of years, and I would be grateful to hear of other examples people have collected.

I have no accent at all, therefore I am the bench mark. I can distinguish a British accent (English, Welsh, Scottish, Irish) from North American or Antipodean accents. Further subdivisions are trickier, not because I have a tin ear, but because I don’t pay enough attention.  For instance I can’t distinguish between and American and a Canadian until the latter says “aboot the hoose.”

Sometimes I confuse South African and Australian accents, though they are quite different. Up till now, Australian and New Zealand accents have been indistinguishable as far as I’m concerned.

Until last Friday. I was being wheeled into an operating theatre and the cheerful anaesthetist asked me a series of questions, slapping me regularly on the shoulder. She asked “Have you got any mittle in you?”

I didn’t know what mittle was, so I was at a loss to reply. “I don’t know,” I quavered, “what’s mittle?

She slapped me on the shoulder again. “You’re the funny one, aincha? Mittle. Brass, steel, iron, gold, silver.”

I got it. (I don’t, by the way). And as I embarked on my drug-induced Lethe, I was thinking METal METal METal MET …

When I came to, 40 minutes later, it was to a revelation.

** The New Zealand accent is the British accent, only with the vowels shifted one or two places along! **

Du you andirstend? Fush end chups. Mittle.

And as the captain of the Wellington to Picton ferry shouts, much to the alarm of my brother Richard, “All hends un Dick”.

It’s easy once you realise it. Forget about diphthongs (what Kiwis wear to the beach), just move the vowel one or two places to the right.

And you’re speaking New Zealandish.

Izzy pizzy.

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