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Slagging Off America

Posted Tuesday, December 15th, 2015 at 11:58

coffeetable

There are few things I enjoy better than slagging off America and boosting Wales.

Listen to this phone conversation between me and a french polisher in Rhosllanerchrugog:
ME: I have a coffee table that needs french polishing.
FRENCH POLISHER: Where are you?
ME: Harlech.
FP (quickly): We don’t go that far.
ME: What if the table was brought to you?
FP (reluctantly): That might be possible. Is it flood damaged?
ME: No.
FP: We only do flood damage.
ME: It just needs the table top polished.
FP: Sorry, but we’re flooded with work [clearly no pun was intended].
ME: What if the floods go down?
FP: It might be possible, but I dunno.
ME: What if I called you in a couple of months?
FP: You could try, I suppose [subtext: You’ll be lucky]
ME: Can you suggest anyone else?
FP: Err … I dunno.
ME: So that’s it then?
FP (relieved): Yeh, goodbye.

Could this exchange have happened in America? Never in a million years. They would have leapt down the phone to shake my hand, everything would be fine, they could ship the table to Akron, Ohio or Zachary, Louisiana, of course they could offer a special price, nothing would be too much. It’s Tiggerishly irritating at times, but they do get things done, unlike we Welsh who like nothing better than to sit around waiting for a grant to come along.

By posting this on American-owned Facebook I will ensure that nice American Mr Zuckerberg’s hyper-efficient American autognomes will scan this posting and ensure I am flooded (yeh, meant it) with offers of french polishing firms. Thank you, America. You will step in and get the job done, while Wales stands shyly by.

But I wish they’d pay their bloody taxes.

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5 Responses to “Slagging Off America”

  1. Hywel Harris Says:
    December 17th, 2015 at 18:41

    Why don’t you just f..k off to USA and stop slagging off Wales.You are no more Welsh than Trump

  2. Gwyn Says:
    December 18th, 2015 at 09:52

    Dearest Hywel, I had no idea that Trump was Welsh? But you’re the expert on genealogies, so you must know best. I hope you have a very happy Christmas and that your dyspepsia clears up. Nadolig Llawen i chi as we say in Wales!

  3. sue daglian Says:
    December 23rd, 2015 at 23:33

    thank you for sharing the table story and its’ need for polish. please keep me posted on this ongoing drama!

  4. Sheila Maxwell Says:
    January 9th, 2016 at 14:42

    We can do things- and without a grant! Harlech WI have just published a book, 100 Facts about Harlech, and you do get a mention in fact 70. Copies of the book are for sale in Harlech shops (£4.95). We are setting up internet sales and the details will soon be on our Harlech WI Facebook page.

  5. Gwyn Says:
    January 10th, 2016 at 16:38

    Of course we can, and often do — but I think our lords & masters (and HSBC Bank) treat us so abominably, and have done for centuries, that there is an expectation of failure ingrained in us, or at least a feeling that we shouldn’t get ideas above our station. We’re not very good at promoting ourselves either. When I tell foreigners I’m from Wales, they look at me blankly. The only place I’ve been where everyone knew about Wales was South Africa, and that’s because of rugby. I guess it must be the same in New Zealand. And I know it’s a hwntw thing, but I love laverbread. (My mother was from Llandebie, so I have partial exemption). But can you get it here? Or in London? Apart from a few tins for curiosity in Porthmadog, no. I have to order it from Ashton’s in Cardiff Market; they send me a 2 kilo box every three months and it freezes wonderfully. It’s unknown in England and the rest of the world. Yet the Japanese sell nori throughout the world, and it’s exactly the same thing. Why can’t we do that? After that little rant, I’ll pop into Seasons and Reasons tomorrow and buy the book!


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