Unless you want misery, evasion, endless hassle and unbelievable frustration.

Last May I bought a kettle online from Very.co.uk. It arrived. It worked. And after 11 months it blew up.

I had kept the receipt. It was under guarantee. So I rang them up. Gave them my customer number. My post code. Asked them where I should send the faulty kettle for replacement.

They asked for my date of birth. I didn’t want to give it to them. They refused to continue the conversation.

Instead I had to go to the website and find out what to do. There was a returns address, so I returned the kettle to Very.co.uk with a covering letter:

Very.co.uk
Raven Mill Returns CentreRaven Avenue
Oldham
OL9 8PW

8^th April 2011

Dear Sirs

GUARANTEE CLAIM

I am returning the Breville VKJ348 Kettle I bought from you on 16^th May 2010.

It no longer heats or boils water. Please repair or replace it under guarantee.

Yours sincerely

GH

I got a text on my mobile phone on 14 April 2011 at 14:24 saying

Freemsg: The item you have returned PJ287 (£26.1) has been received. Details will show on My Account online.”

Nothing happened. On April 21 I posted a message on the Very.co.uk website:

Nothing is shown. I want you to replace the kettle under guarantee. When are you going to do this?

I received an automated reply the same day. I was to read a lot of these:

Dear Mr Headley,

We have received your request, reference 3165347-1303400198.

This email is confirmation that we have received your enquiry.

Please allow upto 24 hours for a response from our Customer Services team.

We apologise for the delay and thank you for your patience

Kind regards,

Online Customer Services

The following day they sent me this:

Dear Mr Gwyn Headley,

Thanks for contacting us about your returned Kettle (Cat No: PJ287).

If you purchased your item using your Credit Account, or by debit/credit card we will normally credit your account within 21 days of taking receipt of the item.

If the credit does not appear within 21 days, please let us know and we will look into it further for you.

Kind Regards

Christine Ballard

The same day this arrived:

Dear Mr Gwyn Headley,

Thanks for contacting us about your returned Breville VKJ348 kettle (PJ 2871H).

As your return was outside of our Home Approval Guarantee, we need to inspect the item first.

If you purchased your item using your Flexible Account, or by debit/credit card we will normally credit your account within 21 days of taking receipt of the item.

If the credit does not appear within 21 days, please let us know and we will look into it further for you.

Kind Regards

Avtar Johal

Avtar Johal had the courtesy to telephone me, to say there was no trace of the product having been returned.

On April 26 I emailed to say

All I want is the kettle replaced under its legal guarantee.

They replied on the 26th:

This email is confirmation that Very have re-opened your enquiry.

and I wrote to Avtar:

You acknowledged receipt of the kettle on 14 April 2011 at 14:24 through the following text message:

“Freemsg: The item you returned PJ287 (£26.1) has now been received. Details will show on your next statement and at My Account online. Thank you.”

I replied:

“I just want it replaced. Are you able to do that?”

but my message was rejected by your system.

To inspect the item, simply fill it with water, plug it in and turn it on. When you discover that it fails to boil the water, please send me a replacement.

All I want is the kettle replaced under its legal guarantee.

Then Vincent Taylor of Very replied on the 26th:

Thanks for your email about your recent return.

Once the inspection of your faulty item has been completed you will be refunded in full.

You will then be able to place a replacement order for the same or another item if your would like to do so.

You can do this from the website or call in.

We would suggest waiting until the original faulty item has been credited to your account before you place your replacement order.

If you have any further questions, just let me know – I’ll be happy to help you.

You know what? I did have further questions. I replied to Vincent:

Hello Vincent

Thank you for your reply to my email.

To inspect the item, simply fill it with water, plug it in and turn it on. When you discover that it fails to boil the water, please send me a replacement.

All I want is for you to replace the kettle under its guarantee as you are legally obliged to do. No new order, simply a replacement under guarantee. OK?

Then another email on the same day from Very told me:

Thanks for contacting us about your returned Breville Kettle (PJ287).

As previously advised your return was outside of our Home Approval Guarantee, we need to inspect the item first.

If you purchased your item using your Flexible Account, or by debit/credit card we will normally credit your account within 21 days of taking receipt of the item.

If the credit does not appear within 21 days, please let us know and we will look into it further for you.

If you would like a replacement for this item please re-order on our website.

This was from Ahmed Fulat. I replied on the same day:

Hello Ahmed

Thank you for your reply to my email.

To inspect the item, simply fill it with water, plug it in and turn it on. When you discover that it fails to boil the water, please send me a replacement.

All I want is for you to replace the kettle under its guarantee as you are legally obliged to do. No new order, simply a replacement under guarantee. OK?

Rebecca Hobday responded on the same day:

Thanks for your email about your returned Breville VKJ348 Kettle Polished Stainless Steel (PJ2871H). As stated by the previous adviser, please allow 21 days for a refund.

As this item is being refunded, we are unable to provide a replacement.

To order a replacement, please visit www.very.co.uk or call us on 0844 8222 321.

If you have any further questions, just let me know – I’ll be happy to help you.

I was beginning to get tetchy. I replied:

Hello Rebecca

Thank you for your reply.

I don’t want a refund, I want a replacement under guarantee, as is my legal right.

I am puzzled as to why you won’t comply with the law.

Then to my astonishment on the 27th Sandra Darwen replied:

Thanks for contacting us about your return.

I’m sorry but we have not yet received the returned items. (!!!)

Please note that items can take up to 21 days to be credited back to your account.

If the return was collected/sent more than 21 days ago, please let me know the date you sent the parcel back and the bar-code number, which you’ll find on your proof of return.

Problems like this are most unusual and as soon as I have the information requested, I will look into it further for you.

Your patience is appreciated.

We look forward to your reply.

She got it. Here it is:

Hello Sandra

Thank you for your reply.

Very certainly has received the returned kettle, because I received a text message from Very on 14 April 2011 at 14:24 sent to me:

“Freemsg: The item you returned PJ287 (£26.1) has now been received. Details will show on your next statement and at My Account online. Thank you.”

I replied:

“I just want it replaced. Are you able to do that?”

but your system rejected  my message.

I mailed you the kettle on 08/04/11 at 17:11 and my proof of posting barcode is AH7070122336GB.

Please can you simply replace the kettle under its guarantee?

Perhaps you could pass on the information to your Customer Excellence Team that I have never had such difficulty returning an item under guarantee to any retailer. You need to take a good hard look at your procedures if you want to retain existing customers.

Phil Hudson wrote on April 27:

Thanks for your email about your return.

I have looked over your account notes and previous emails.  So far the return has not been credited to your account.  Although you received a message advising the return had been received it has not yet been inspected and removed form your account.

I notice you contacted via the phone on 07/04/11 to advise of the return.  Going by the notes on the account security was not met and a replacement could therefore not be requested.  Due to this the funds paid towards this item will automatically be refunded to the card used for payment.  If you would like a replacement sent for this item you will need to place another order.

If the credit has not been applied within 21 days of your return please let us know.

If you have any further questions, just let me know – I’ll be happy to help you.

and Simon Hislam wrote:

Thanks for your email about the Breville Kettle (PJ2871H).

I am sorry to hear that our service has not met your expectations on this occasion.

We will normally credit your account within 21 days of taking receipt of the item.

If the credit does not appear within 21 days, please let us know and we will look into it further for you.

Unfortunately, we do not have the facility to exchange items.  If you would like to order a replacement please visit www.very.co.uk or call us on: 08448 222 321.

Please accept my apologies for any inconvenience or disappointment caused.

I waited 21 days for my account to be credited. It was obvious I wasn’t going to get the kettle replaced under guarantee. A month later I checked my Very.co.uk account. Nothing. Not a dicky-bird. No sign of a replacement kettle, either. So I emailed them again:

Attention: CUSTOMER EXCELLENCE TEAM

I am surprised not to have had the Breville kettle I returned under guarantee replaced by you.

I mailed Very.co.uk the kettle on 08/04/2011 at 17:11, and my proof of posting barcode is AH7070122336GB.

Very.co.uk responded with a text message sent to me on 14 April 2011 at 14:24 as follows: “Freemsg: The item you returned PJ287 (£26.1) has now been received. Details will show on your next statement and at My Account online. Thank you.”

No details have appeared on my account with Very.co.uk.

All I want is the kettle replaced under guarantee.

I have now sent you seven emails requesting this simple transaction.

Can you please do this, or will I be forced to have the hassle of going through the Small Claims Court?

This cannot be described as excellent customer service. I hope you will be able to learn a lesson from this.

An email came. They had reopened my query. The following day Carol Beatson wrote:

Thanks for emailing us about your account.

I have referred your email to another department who will look into this and contact you as soon as they have more information.

Rest assured every effort is being made to resolve the issue for you as quickly as possible.

Thank you for your patience.

What patience? On the first of June Liz Bishop emailed me as follows:

Thanks for your email about the faulty Kettle ((PJ2871H).

Please accept our sincere apologies for the delay in adjusting your account.

We have today processed a refund of £26.10 direct to your card this will show within the next 7 days.

As previously stated with the type of account you hold returns will be automatically refunded and you would then need to reorder either by phone or via the website.

If you have any further questions, just let me know – I’ll be happy to help you and we again apologise for any inconvenience caused.

Today, seven days later, nothing has shown up on my card. As I expected. No refund, nothing. I had to write again. And as you can see, I’m beginning to lose my rag:

Despite your sincere apologies and your promise of a refund — which was not what I wanted, I simply wanted the faulty kettle replaced under guarantee — I am not unduly surprised to see no credit has been applied from Very to my card.

What happens now? How can you possibly use more delaying tactics? I assume that Very will probably make a refund the moment it receives the court order, leaving me to bear the cost of taking out the injunction.

It’s now been two months since I returned a broken kettle to you for replacement under guarantee. It’s taken me 8 emails to get nowhere.

This is no ordinary behaviour for a department store. “No ordinary department store” is indeed an accurate slogan for a company such as yours. I cannot believe that in 2011 a company can treat its customers with such contempt.

Your behaviour is evasive to say the least, and if one discounts ineptitude on a staggering scale, then your actions begin to verge on the criminal.

I pity the people who work for such an appalling company.

Well, Christine Ballard, Avtar Johal, Vincent Taylor, Ahmed Fulat, Rebecca Hobday, Sandra Darwen, Phil Hudson , Simon Hislam, Carol Beatson, Liz Bishop — are you really so inept? Or are you a computer?

What’s the proper procedure? What do I do next? Do I take them to the Small Claims Court? Difficult, as they’ve clearly promised a refund. But why are they behaving like this? What benefit can it bring them?

What is the point?

UPDATE, June 10 2011: Today, two months and two days after I returned a broken kettle to them for replacement under guarantee, I received a cheque from Very for £26.10 in the post. It took me a total of 27 emails, one letter and much time on the telephone — plus a £2.85 charge from O2 for calling Very’s 0845 telephone number from my mobile phone.

Thanks very much, Very. That is the worst customer service of the decade.

I will never, ever, EVER shop at Very.co.uk again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blimey, has a year really gone by since the last RA Summer Exhibition?

It has indeed, but it would be hard to tell, stepping through the doors afresh after 12 months. For it’s the same old, same old: more shocking Tracey Emin (the prices more shocking than the artwork), yet more identical wordplays by Michael Craig-Martin (enough already), more stunning maquettes by architectural labourers and, I’m sorry to say, a general sense of déja vu.

Of course there are highlights, but having omitted to bring a camera I can’t show you any of them. For imagery we must thank the Royal Academy Press Office, but none of the images they chose would have been on my list.

Firstly, I’d like to meet Tess Jaray RA down a dark alley some night. She curated the works in Gallery V, and not only elbowed in four copies in different colours of her own identical work, but had the arrogance, snobbery and condescension to announce in print that her selection was “only for people who are sensitive, intelligent and thoughtful. No one else will enjoy it.” Well Tess, for making a comment like that you need a good slapping round your sensitive and intelligent bits. How dare you patronise us? Fortunately being insensitive, unintelligent and thoughtless myself, she was right. I didn’t enjoy it. It was far from being the best room.

It wasn’t quite the worst though. That honour was reserved for Gallery X, a collection of mediocrity only enlivened by Caroline Gorick’s Th’Angelic Guards Ascended Mute And Sad For Man.

But enough bile. What did I like? Plenty, though as I said not having had my camera to hand means all I can do is credit artist and title. H34 Robert by Michael Vogt was a photograph of a ruined industrial building with, in the distance, a Piranesian impression of bare ruin’d choirs. The juxtaposition was very pleasing.

I enjoyed the flat planes and airbrush style colouring of Razzle Dazzle by Allen Jones RA, while nearby the bucolic and faux-naïve Summer Landscape, Autumn Lovers by Antony Green RA was enhanced by its elongated lozenge shape. Tom Philips RA’s Remains of the Day I & II were small, lustrous and massively expensive.

The most startling splash of colour was Deep Impact by Keith Tyson, huge, mixed media on aluminium and not for sale. Stephen Chambers RA produces desirable work, as does David Tindle RA and Paul Caton.

Would I buy anything I saw? Yes, if I had the money. I haven’t got £3.50 to rub together, let alone £35,000, but if I did I would seriously consider Dora, Venice Interior 2010 by Ken Howard RA. Not only is it sumptuously painted, it is also the interior of the apartment we stayed with my sister and brother-in-law in Venice last year. Coincidentally it was lent to them by Ken Howard.

And finally to what you’ve all been waiting for — the result of my annual Get Rid Of Lazy Thinking Among Artists campaign. This year’s tally is EIGHTEEN — that’s right, 18 — out of 1,117 works exhibited were titled “UNTITLED”.

Pathetic. You’d think big boys and girls would have grown out of dumb lack of imagination but no, even the respected Anish Kapoor was guilty of the solecism this year.

Now I’m rushing off out to dinner. I’ll add some images tomorrow, if I remember.

CREDITS: Keith Tyson, Deep Impact Mixed media on aluminum. 398 x 198cm. Courtesy of the artist and The Pace Gallery, London

Lazy thinking by the photographer (and subject):

Cindy Sherman, Untitled # 472. 2008. Colour photograph. 169.9 x 127cm, edition 3-6. Courtesy of the artist, Metro Pictures and Sprüth Magers Berlin London

Would you pay £60,000 for this? Neither would I.

Martin Creed, Work no. 998. 2009. Wood, metal, fabric. 187 x 70 x 62cm. © Martin Creed. Courtesy the artist and Hauser & Wirth. Photo: Barbora Gerny

Installation view of Gallery IV, with David Nash’s Funnel in the foreground and John Maine’s Definition in Five Stages in the background, left. Photo: John Bodkin