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Archive for July, 2019

Microsoft Support

Tuesday, July 30th, 2019

The call came from 01450 4535455; Hawick, Scotland, a hotbed of Scottish rugby. Obviously it was some Scottish rugby fan wanting to compare Scotland and Wales’s chances in the forthcoming Rugby World Cup.

There was a pause, a click, and a voice which sounded as if it were more from Hyderabad than Hawick came on the line.

“cHello? cHello? cHow are you today?”

Me: “I’m fine, thank you for asking. How are you?”

Him: “I am calling from Microsoft. There has been a problem with your computer which is infecting the internet. I can cHelp you fix it.”

Me: “That’s very kind.”

Him: “Are you sitting in front of your computer? Is it on? What can you see on the screen?”

I covered up the large JPEG of Fifi L’Amour’s splendiferous assets and said “Nothing.”

He wanted me to press my Command key, my Control key, he wanted me to click on my Magnifying glass and much other stuff, and I asked him why.

Him: “So I can fix the fault wit your computair.’

Me: “But won’t that give you access to my computer?”

Him: “Yess, you see I am from Microsoft and …”

I stopped him there. “I don’t think for a moment you are from Microsoft. I think you are a thief and a scammer. Does your Mummy know what you are doing for a living? Do you think she would be proud of you? Does Microsoft have offices in Hoick [that’s how you pronounce Hawick]? Where are you calling from?”

He started to bluster. “I am from Microsoft and your computer is infecting the internet!”

“No you are not and it’s not,” I said. “You are part of some cheap criminal gang making a pathetically amateur attempt to wrest control of my computer for some nefarious purpose of which I know nothing and care less.”

“Oh, you very clever man! Long words! You know everything! You know history? We will make you pay!”

It’s nice to get a reaction from a scammer. I asked him how the weather was in Hawick.

“Oh, you think you so clever! You wait, we will make you pay every day! You know history? Two, three hundred years? You come to us, you take everything, now you pay! You pay every day!”

The conversation seemed set on this course, and he was beginning to froth at the mouth — I swear I could hear the spittle from 5,000 miles away. I wanted to make him hang up first, but I was quite enjoying goading him. I questioned his parentage, his education, his morals, his ethics, and with every word I spoke his apoplexy redoubled. The Microsoft contract was probably lost at this point, because in his fury all he wanted to do was insult me for being English (I’m not, of course).

“You think you’re so great, you think you’re so clever, you know history, you smart man, well we will get you, we will make you pay for what you done to us!”

He was raging now, shouting down the line.

“Well I’m not sure about that,” I said mildly, “but the indisputable fact is that you are a crook, a cheat, a liar, a scammer, an evil person and you will end up in jail. And your Mummy probably won’t come to visit you.”

“I have to take another call,” he said abruptly, and hung up.

The problem is that I am getting older and more gullible, and the scammers will inevitably get younger and smarter. For the moment I can hold my own, but the time will surely come when they will penetrate my fragile defences.

The next call came 17 minutes later, from 0865 069 7428, United Kingdom. It was Mr Microsoft again, and this time he launched straight into a tirade about the English, the shits of the world and how they would pay every day for what they’d done. He never specified what they’d done, just conquered India, I guess, but he was much exercised by it. He was packed like a bursting bladder full of vituperation and bile, and it was helplessly erupting out of him. Such hatred. Such loathing. I put the phone on the desk until it whimpered away to a plaintive “cHello? cHello?”

“Hello again!” I said cheerily, and he put the phone down on me.

He couldn’t stay away. 25 minutes later he rang again, this time from 066 1889 7589, also United Kingdom. It was the same old same old, and by now I was bored with him, so It was my turn to hang up, after wishing him much luck with his Microsoft career.

What do these people hope to achieve? None of these telephone numbers are genuine. Why have RnZpazJtbKyB and oHhSELWUcBzV and other similar names been attempting to sign up to fotoLibra every ten minutes for the last six days? What is the point? Why does BT Openreach regularly call me from the USA about cancelling my internet access within 12 hours? Especially when I don’t use BT Openreach?

Or Microsoft, for that matter.

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2019 Wimbledum Champion

Monday, July 15th, 2019

What a phenomenal day of sport yesterday was! The World Cup Final was the closest cricket match I’ve ever seen, and as my new friend Kim Griggs from Radio New Zealand commented, ‘a thrilling match. Kind of won by NZers if you take into account that Ben Stokes is a Kiwi.’
The Wimbledon Men’s Singles Final was probably the most tension-drenched, riveting tennis match I’ve ever seen. After 4 hours and 57 minutes we still didn’t know who would be the winner. What astounding players Federer and Djokovic are.
The only sporting event that wasn’t even close yesterday was Lewis Hamilton winning the British Grand Prix by 21 seconds and setting the fastest lap on his final lap.
Dazed by sporting magnificence, I was. Hamilton has now won the British GP six times. That’s the first Cricket World Cup England has ever won. And the combined age of the tennis champions is 69.
Novak Djokovic received £2,350,000 for his 4 hours and 58 minutes work. Simone Halep received £2,350,000 for her 55 minutes work. Just saying.
But of course this is just a preface to the important announcement. You’re all gagging to know, so I can reveal that this year’s Wimbledum Champion is … DENNIS NOVAK from Austria!
Dennis Novak was beaten by Marton Fuksovics, who was beaten by Fabio Fognini, who was beaten by Tennys Sandgren (ideal name), who was beaten by Sam Querry, who was beaten by Rafael Nadal, who was beaten by Roger Federer, who was beaten by Novak Djokovic, who is known as Bembo in Mount View Road for the startling resemblance of his hair to our family cat.
Dennis Novak came Bottom of Wimbledon, every victor above him vanquished. So a Novak came top and bottom of Wimbledon.

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2019 Wimbledee Champion

Saturday, July 13th, 2019

Every year I announce the Wimbledum and Wimbledee Champions, having a deep and abiding interest in losers like Donald Trump.

Tomorrow we’ll see the men’s Wimbledum Champ, but today it’s the turn of Wimbledee. And it goes to:

SORANA CIRSTEA of Romania!!

Sorana was beaten by Amanda Anisimova, who was beaten by Magda Linette, who was beaten by Petra Kvitova, who was beaten by Johanna Konta, who was beaten by Barbora Strycova, who was beaten by Serena Williams, who was beaten by Simone Halep — of Romania! So there was some justice for her compatriot.

Cirstea came Bottom of Wimbledon, every victor above her vanquished.

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