Microsoft Support
Tuesday, July 30th, 2019The call came from 01450 4535455; Hawick, Scotland, a hotbed of Scottish rugby. Obviously it was some Scottish rugby fan wanting to compare Scotland and Wales’s chances in the forthcoming Rugby World Cup.
There was a pause, a click, and a voice which sounded as if it were more from Hyderabad than Hawick came on the line.
“cHello? cHello? cHow are you today?”
Me: “I’m fine, thank you for asking. How are you?”
Him: “I am calling from Microsoft. There has been a problem with your computer which is infecting the internet. I can cHelp you fix it.”
Me: “That’s very kind.”
Him: “Are you sitting in front of your computer? Is it on? What can you see on the screen?”
I covered up the large JPEG of Fifi L’Amour’s splendiferous assets and said “Nothing.”
He wanted me to press my Command key, my Control key, he wanted me to click on my Magnifying glass and much other stuff, and I asked him why.
Him: “So I can fix the fault wit your computair.’
Me: “But won’t that give you access to my computer?”
Him: “Yess, you see I am from Microsoft and …”
I stopped him there. “I don’t think for a moment you are from Microsoft. I think you are a thief and a scammer. Does your Mummy know what you are doing for a living? Do you think she would be proud of you? Does Microsoft have offices in Hoick [that’s how you pronounce Hawick]? Where are you calling from?”
He started to bluster. “I am from Microsoft and your computer is infecting the internet!”
“No you are not and it’s not,” I said. “You are part of some cheap criminal gang making a pathetically amateur attempt to wrest control of my computer for some nefarious purpose of which I know nothing and care less.”
“Oh, you very clever man! Long words! You know everything! You know history? We will make you pay!”
It’s nice to get a reaction from a scammer. I asked him how the weather was in Hawick.
“Oh, you think you so clever! You wait, we will make you pay every day! You know history? Two, three hundred years? You come to us, you take everything, now you pay! You pay every day!”
The conversation seemed set on this course, and he was beginning to froth at the mouth — I swear I could hear the spittle from 5,000 miles away. I wanted to make him hang up first, but I was quite enjoying goading him. I questioned his parentage, his education, his morals, his ethics, and with every word I spoke his apoplexy redoubled. The Microsoft contract was probably lost at this point, because in his fury all he wanted to do was insult me for being English (I’m not, of course).
“You think you’re so great, you think you’re so clever, you know history, you smart man, well we will get you, we will make you pay for what you done to us!”
He was raging now, shouting down the line.
“Well I’m not sure about that,” I said mildly, “but the indisputable fact is that you are a crook, a cheat, a liar, a scammer, an evil person and you will end up in jail. And your Mummy probably won’t come to visit you.”
“I have to take another call,” he said abruptly, and hung up.
The problem is that I am getting older and more gullible, and the scammers will inevitably get younger and smarter. For the moment I can hold my own, but the time will surely come when they will penetrate my fragile defences.
The next call came 17 minutes later, from 0865 069 7428, United Kingdom. It was Mr Microsoft again, and this time he launched straight into a tirade about the English, the shits of the world and how they would pay every day for what they’d done. He never specified what they’d done, just conquered India, I guess, but he was much exercised by it. He was packed like a bursting bladder full of vituperation and bile, and it was helplessly erupting out of him. Such hatred. Such loathing. I put the phone on the desk until it whimpered away to a plaintive “cHello? cHello?”
“Hello again!” I said cheerily, and he put the phone down on me.
He couldn’t stay away. 25 minutes later he rang again, this time from 066 1889 7589, also United Kingdom. It was the same old same old, and by now I was bored with him, so It was my turn to hang up, after wishing him much luck with his Microsoft career.
What do these people hope to achieve? None of these telephone numbers are genuine. Why have RnZpazJtbKyB and oHhSELWUcBzV and other similar names been attempting to sign up to fotoLibra every ten minutes for the last six days? What is the point? Why does BT Openreach regularly call me from the USA about cancelling my internet access within 12 hours? Especially when I don’t use BT Openreach?
Or Microsoft, for that matter.
