There are few things I enjoy better than slagging off America and boosting Wales.

Listen to this phone conversation between me and a french polisher in Rhosllanerchrugog:
ME: I have a coffee table that needs french polishing.
FRENCH POLISHER: Where are you?
ME: Harlech.
FP (quickly): We don’t go that far.
ME: What if the table was brought to you?
FP (reluctantly): That might be possible. Is it flood damaged?
ME: No.
FP: We only do flood damage.
ME: It just needs the table top polished.
FP: Sorry, but we’re flooded with work [clearly no pun was intended].
ME: What if the floods go down?
FP: It might be possible, but I dunno.
ME: What if I called you in a couple of months?
FP: You could try, I suppose [subtext: You’ll be lucky]
ME: Can you suggest anyone else?
FP: Err … I dunno.
ME: So that’s it then?
FP (relieved): Yeh, goodbye.

Could this exchange have happened in America? Never in a million years. They would have leapt down the phone to shake my hand, everything would be fine, they could ship the table to Akron, Ohio or Zachary, Louisiana, of course they could offer a special price, nothing would be too much. It’s Tiggerishly irritating at times, but they do get things done, unlike we Welsh who like nothing better than to sit around waiting for a grant to come along.

By posting this on American-owned Facebook I will ensure that nice American Mr Zuckerberg’s hyper-efficient American autognomes will scan this posting and ensure I am flooded (yeh, meant it) with offers of french polishing firms. Thank you, America. You will step in and get the job done, while Wales stands shyly by.

But I wish they’d pay their bloody taxes.

Here are the top 100 novels written by Brits, according to the rest of the world. I am slightly ashamed to admit I have only read 55% of them, the ones marked with a tick. I am even more ashamed to see there is not one Welsh author in the list. And Virginia Woolf at nos. 2 & 3? Hilary Mantel way down at #44?

Hmmm. Who chose the judges?

The top eleven titles were all written before I was born. And I am OLD.

The BBC polled book critics outside the UK to give an outsider’s perspective on the best in British literature.

100. The Code of the Woosters (PG Wodehouse, 1938) √
99. There but for the (Ali Smith, 2011) X
98. Under the Volcano (Malcolm Lowry,1947) √
97. The Chronicles of Narnia (CS Lewis, 1949-1954) X
96. Memoirs of a Survivor (Doris Lessing, 1974) X
95. The Buddha of Suburbia (Hanif Kureishi, 1990) X
94. The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner (James Hogg, 1824) X
93. Lord of the Flies (William Golding, 1954) √
92. Cold Comfort Farm (Stella Gibbons, 1932) √
91. The Forsyte Saga (John Galsworthy, 1922) √
90. The Woman in White (Wilkie Collins, 1859) √
89. The Horse’s Mouth (Joyce Cary, 1944) X
88. The Death of the Heart (Elizabeth Bowen, 1938) X
87. The Old Wives’ Tale (Arnold Bennett, 1908) X
86. A Legacy (Sybille Bedford, 1956) X
85. Regeneration Trilogy (Pat Barker, 1991-1995) √
84. Scoop (Evelyn Waugh, 1938) √
83. Barchester Towers (Anthony Trollope, 1857) √
82. The Patrick Melrose Novels (Edward St Aubyn, 1992-2012) X
81. The Jewel in the Crown (Paul Scott, 1966) X
80. Excellent Women (Barbara Pym, 1952) X
79. His Dark Materials (Philip Pullman, 1995-2000) √
78. A House for Mr Biswas (VS Naipaul, 1961) X
77. Of Human Bondage (W Somerset Maugham, 1915) √
76. Small Island (Andrea Levy, 2004) X
75. Women in Love (DH Lawrence, 1920) √
74. The Mayor of Casterbridge (Thomas Hardy, 1886) √
73. The Blue Flower (Penelope Fitzgerald, 1995) X
72. The Heart of the Matter (Graham Greene, 1948) √
71. Old Filth (Jane Gardam, 2004) X
70. Daniel Deronda (George Eliot, 1876) X
69. Nostromo (Joseph Conrad, 1904) √
68. A Clockwork Orange (Anthony Burgess, 1962) √
67. Crash (JG Ballard 1973) √
66. Sense and Sensibility (Jane Austen, 1811) √
65. Orlando (Virginia Woolf, 1928) X
64. The Way We Live Now (Anthony Trollope, 1875) √
63. The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (Muriel Spark, 1961) X
62. Animal Farm (George Orwell, 1945) √
61. The Sea, The Sea (Iris Murdoch, 1978) X
60. Sons and Lovers (DH Lawrence, 1913) X
59. The Line of Beauty (Alan Hollinghurst, 2004) X
58. Loving (Henry Green, 1945) X
57. Parade’s End (Ford Madox Ford, 1924-1928) X
56. Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit (Jeanette Winterson, 1985) √
55. Gulliver’s Travels (Jonathan Swift, 1726) √
54. NW (Zadie Smith, 2012) X
53. Wide Sargasso Sea (Jean Rhys, 1966) X
52. New Grub Street (George Gissing, 1891) X
51. Tess of the d’Urbervilles (Thomas Hardy, 1891) √
50. A Passage to India (EM Forster, 1924) √
49. Possession (AS Byatt, 1990) √
48. Lucky Jim (Kingsley Amis, 1954) √
47. The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (Laurence Sterne, 1759) √
46. Midnight’s Children (Salman Rushdie, 1981) X
45. The Little Stranger (Sarah Waters, 2009) √
44. Wolf Hall (Hilary Mantel, 2009) √
43. The Swimming Pool Library (Alan Hollinghurst, 1988) X
42. Brighton Rock (Graham Greene, 1938) √
41. Dombey and Son (Charles Dickens, 1848) X
40. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (Lewis Carroll, 1865) √
39. The Sense of an Ending (Julian Barnes, 2011) X
38. The Passion (Jeanette Winterson, 1987) X
37. Decline and Fall (Evelyn Waugh, 1928) √
36. A Dance to the Music of Time (Anthony Powell, 1951-1975) X
35. Remainder (Tom McCarthy, 2005) X
34. Never Let Me Go (Kazuo Ishiguro, 2005) √
33. The Wind in the Willows (Kenneth Grahame, 1908) X
32. A Room with a View (EM Forster, 1908) √
31. The End of the Affair (Graham Greene, 1951) √
30. Moll Flanders (Daniel Defoe, 1722) √
29. Brick Lane (Monica Ali, 2003) √
28. Villette (Charlotte Brontë, 1853) X
27. Robinson Crusoe (Daniel Defoe, 1719) √
26. The Lord of the Rings (JRR Tolkien, 1954) √
25. White Teeth (Zadie Smith, 2000) √
24. The Golden Notebook (Doris Lessing, 1962) X
23. Jude the Obscure (Thomas Hardy, 1895) X
22. The History of Tom Jones, a Foundling (Henry Fielding, 1749) √
21. Heart of Darkness (Joseph Conrad, 1899) √
20. Persuasion (Jane Austen, 1817) √
19. Emma (Jane Austen, 1815) X
18. Remains of the Day (Kazuo Ishiguro, 1989) √
17. Howards End (EM Forster, 1910) √
16. The Waves (Virginia Woolf, 1931) X
15. Atonement (Ian McEwan, 2001) √
14. Clarissa (Samuel Richardson,1748) √
13. The Good Soldier (Ford Madox Ford, 1915) X
12. Nineteen Eighty-Four (George Orwell, 1949) √
11. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen, 1813) √
10. Vanity Fair (William Makepeace Thackeray, 1848) √
9. Frankenstein (Mary Shelley, 1818) X
8. David Copperfield (Charles Dickens, 1850) √
7. Wuthering Heights (Emily Brontë, 1847) X
6. Bleak House (Charles Dickens, 1853) √
5. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Brontë, 1847) X
4. Great Expectations (Charles Dickens, 1861) √
3. Mrs. Dalloway (Virginia Woolf, 1925) X
2. To the Lighthouse (Virginia Woolf, 1927) X
1. Middlemarch (George Eliot, 1874) √